I am a 40 year male who is fast approaching his due date and I have heard there are some home remedies that could hasten the adoption process… Could you please shed some wisdom on these myths?
1.) Q: My Braxton Hicks contractions are painful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, but they started like 4 months ago… Isn’t that supposed to be a sign?
A) Oh, you men are so wimpy! Pain is inevitable in adoption. Your timeline was 3-5 months remember? You think this is painful… try waiting for a court date!
2.) Q: We had a full moon just the other night. On top of that, a lunar eclipse. It sounds a little hokey, but I thought that just might work.
A: The gravitational pull of a full moon might stir your wife’s soul, but beyond that it’s no cure for a referral. Just hold tight to the truth that your kids look up at that same beautiful moon and stars from Ethiopia.
3.) Q: I’ve heard a brisk walk can spark a contraction. We’ve been on our share of walks and beyond that I play basketball almost every day. It’s hard getting myself up and down the court being “THIS FAR ALONG”, you know? What’s the deal?
A: Basketball is great for your heart, and if it keeps you away from Taco Bell over lunch keep it up… but sorry, it’s just a myth. My advice is to cherish those late night walks together dreaming and talking about what’s ahead.
4.) Q: I’ve been reading about Castor Oil. Sounds disgusting. I had a Molson the other night, and the lights were low. One could have mistaken it for Castor Oil at first glance… close enough?
A: Even castor oil is a myth my friend. Maybe ship a case of it to Natalie just to be sure she knows where you’re coming from.
5.) Q: I hear one of the most commonly used techniques is having lots of sex. Could you clarify some numbers for me? I was thinking every day for a while… you know… just to be sure. It’s important both of us are on board with this right?
A: Hey bub, you wrote dear ABBY… not dear Allen. Nice try.
6.) Q: Can I go back to question 5 for a second? I mean, it can’t hurt can it? It would never actually slow the process down would it? …maybe I should have written Dr. Ruth.
A: Dear Abby has declined to answer but suggests that a cold shower has also never slowed the adoption process.
7.) Q: I hear a way an MD can induce labor is by stripping the membranes. This sounds pretty painful, and quite frankly, I’m happy to tell you I don’t think I have the right plumbing for that. Secondly, those Braxton Hicks were strange enough. We will have to move on I guess. All these other medical breakthroughs such as Pitocin and breaking the water; we really don’t have a doctor for this, do we? Maybe the doctor that did our home study physical forgot to prescribe the “Adoption Pitocin” when we saw him last summer.
A: Believe me buddy, all men would die during labor. Maybe you should go eat some spicy food to induce your adoption.
8.) Q: Ahh, OK. My dearest Buttercup and I were planning a night out to eat Ethiopian Cuisine AFTER the referral. Could it be so simple? Some spicy veggies and Injera Bread will do it then?
A: Spicy food and herbal teas are a myth I’m afraid. It might help you enjoy a bit of culture some night though.
9.) Q: I hear an indicator that your time is near is a sudden burst of energy. Come to think of it, I skipped my Sunday nap the other day, and I distinctly remember helping fold the laundry just a couple days ago. A nesting instinct! We must be getting close!
10.) OK, so I give… nothing out there to guarantee a referral. How about a present? Tomorrow is my birthday… and normally I would wish for “obedient children” or “a world without crime”.
This year I’d settle for a phone call from Texas.
In case you didn't know, this one they call Farmboy.