Monday, February 25, 2008

10 common myths to inducing adoption…

Dear Abby,

I am a 40 year male who is fast approaching his due date and I have heard there are some home remedies that could hasten the adoption process… Could you please shed some wisdom on these myths?

1.) Q: My Braxton Hicks contractions are painful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, but they started like 4 months ago… Isn’t that supposed to be a sign?
A) Oh, you men are so wimpy! Pain is inevitable in adoption. Your timeline was 3-5 months remember? You think this is painful… try waiting for a court date!

2.) Q: We had a full moon just the other night. On top of that, a lunar eclipse. It sounds a little hokey, but I thought that just might work.
A: The gravitational pull of a full moon might stir your wife’s soul, but beyond that it’s no cure for a referral. Just hold tight to the truth that your kids look up at that same beautiful moon and stars from Ethiopia.

3.) Q: I’ve heard a brisk walk can spark a contraction. We’ve been on our share of walks and beyond that I play basketball almost every day. It’s hard getting myself up and down the court being “THIS FAR ALONG”, you know? What’s the deal?
A: Basketball is great for your heart, and if it keeps you away from Taco Bell over lunch keep it up… but sorry, it’s just a myth. My advice is to cherish those late night walks together dreaming and talking about what’s ahead.

4.) Q: I’ve been reading about Castor Oil. Sounds disgusting. I had a Molson the other night, and the lights were low. One could have mistaken it for Castor Oil at first glance… close enough?
A: Even castor oil is a myth my friend. Maybe ship a case of it to Natalie just to be sure she knows where you’re coming from.

5.) Q: I hear one of the most commonly used techniques is having lots of sex. Could you clarify some numbers for me? I was thinking every day for a while… you know… just to be sure. It’s important both of us are on board with this right?
A: Hey bub, you wrote dear ABBY… not dear Allen. Nice try.

6.) Q: Can I go back to question 5 for a second? I mean, it can’t hurt can it? It would never actually slow the process down would it? …maybe I should have written Dr. Ruth.
A: Dear Abby has declined to answer but suggests that a cold shower has also never slowed the adoption process.

7.) Q: I hear a way an MD can induce labor is by stripping the membranes. This sounds pretty painful, and quite frankly, I’m happy to tell you I don’t think I have the right plumbing for that. Secondly, those Braxton Hicks were strange enough. We will have to move on I guess. All these other medical breakthroughs such as Pitocin and breaking the water; we really don’t have a doctor for this, do we? Maybe the doctor that did our home study physical forgot to prescribe the “Adoption Pitocin” when we saw him last summer.
A: Believe me buddy, all men would die during labor. Maybe you should go eat some spicy food to induce your adoption.

8.) Q: Ahh, OK. My dearest Buttercup and I were planning a night out to eat Ethiopian Cuisine AFTER the referral. Could it be so simple? Some spicy veggies and Injera Bread will do it then?
A: Spicy food and herbal teas are a myth I’m afraid. It might help you enjoy a bit of culture some night though.

9.) Q: I hear an indicator that your time is near is a sudden burst of energy. Come to think of it, I skipped my Sunday nap the other day, and I distinctly remember helping fold the laundry just a couple days ago. A nesting instinct! We must be getting close!

10.) OK, so I give… nothing out there to guarantee a referral. How about a present? Tomorrow is my birthday… and normally I would wish for “obedient children” or “a world without crime”.

This year I’d settle for a phone call from Texas.

In case you didn't know, this one they call Farmboy.


The Roberts Family said...

You guys are cracking me up! Actually I don't know whether to laugh or cry during reading your questions ...... this is so crazy ... the waiting ... isn't it?!!! Know that you're not alone and we'll be rejoicing with you when your news is revealed!! Blessings! ~Shelly

Kristy -Mom to 4 and soon to be more! said...

Dear Farm Boy,
Although I work at a crisis pregnancy center and don't normally see patients that are as anxiuosly awaiting their kiddos as much as you are, I can make an exception and have you in for you 20 wk ultrasound as soon as possible! Maybe we'll atleast be able to tell if you are having boys, girls, or both! :-)
Speaking of which, with all of that labor inducing activity with Buttercup, you might just find yourself in a crisis pregnancy soon! :-)

graceling said...

Farmboy, perhaps no one told you that a sure-fire way to induce labor is to get involved in a really long and tedious household chore (such as cleaning out the basement/garage, or scrubbing every floor in the house on your hands and knees.) This a fool-proof. I can garuntee that at the pivitol momment (ie- up to your knees and elbows in boxes with mucky hands) the phone WILL RING.

I bet Buttercup wouldn't mind if you tried out this method:)

Chris & Jess said...

Too funny! I needed a laugh today! Can't wait to share this with Chris!

LISA said...

Congratulations! It's funny, cause i read your blog yesterday for the first time.Then today you gave me another reason to check it out again! Twins,how cool!