Okay I have arrived. I have descended on the place where reading blogs is painful, where glancing through others' time lines brings discouragement and (yes, I have to admit it) jealousy. Where hearing about court dates and packing and shopping and travel gives me the sensation in my stomach that I swallowed a lead-filled baseball. I don't want to be this way.

I am thrilled in my brain for the families that are uniting. I trust in God's goodness and His sovereignty and His involvement of setting these children into our families. And a part of my heart is also thrilled, also excited, actually overjoyed that these children WILL NO LONGER BE ORPHANS!!! But that thrill is definitely tempered with my own ache.

Yes, others have been waiting longer. Some, MUCH longer. We all have our own stories, and I do trust that this waiting is not wasted. That God is working here. But, sometimes it is just plain hard, and possibly by writing these thoughts down, this may act as some sort of valve that opens, and drains some of the ache for a while. We will see.

So, little one, we first learned of you August 14, 2008. At first the thought of adding another to our family so soon was daunting, now the very slim prospect of possibly losing you before you come home is immensely more daunting (yes, I know that this possibility is EXTREMELY remote, but HIV+ children obviously do have compromised immune systems). Interesting how God works on hearts. These months have worked to cement you deeply into ours.

As I ponder the documentation still needed for the courts, the new TB requirements which will add 2-4 months on our wait after court, and my own powerlessness in this situation, these words struck a chord in my spirit.

He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. Isaiah 11: 3-4.

Thank God He is just and His plans cannot ultimately be thwarted. Ever.

I feel a bit like I bet the psalmist David must have felt. I feel more hopeful now and less discouraged after penning these thoughts. Hmmmm, I may have to do this more often.