Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Okay I have arrived. I have descended on the place where reading blogs is painful, where glancing through others' time lines brings discouragement and (yes, I have to admit it) jealousy. Where hearing about court dates and packing and shopping and travel gives me the sensation in my stomach that I swallowed a lead-filled baseball. I don't want to be this way.

I am thrilled in my brain for the families that are uniting. I trust in God's goodness and His sovereignty and His involvement of setting these children into our families. And a part of my heart is also thrilled, also excited, actually overjoyed that these children WILL NO LONGER BE ORPHANS!!! But that thrill is definitely tempered with my own ache.

Yes, others have been waiting longer. Some, MUCH longer. We all have our own stories, and I do trust that this waiting is not wasted. That God is working here. But, sometimes it is just plain hard, and possibly by writing these thoughts down, this may act as some sort of valve that opens, and drains some of the ache for a while. We will see.

So, little one, we first learned of you August 14, 2008. At first the thought of adding another to our family so soon was daunting, now the very slim prospect of possibly losing you before you come home is immensely more daunting (yes, I know that this possibility is EXTREMELY remote, but HIV+ children obviously do have compromised immune systems). Interesting how God works on hearts. These months have worked to cement you deeply into ours.

As I ponder the documentation still needed for the courts, the new TB requirements which will add 2-4 months on our wait after court, and my own powerlessness in this situation, these words struck a chord in my spirit.

He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
Isaiah 11: 3-4.

Thank God He is just and His plans cannot ultimately be thwarted. Ever.

I feel a bit like I bet the psalmist David must have felt. I feel more hopeful now and less discouraged after penning these thoughts. Hmmmm, I may have to do this more often.

17 comments:

Ellen Enright said...

I am praying for you.

The Albertsons said...

love love love to you...
i think you're right... this suffering is nearly impossible to go through, but it also draws your hearts in so deep to your baby girl's heart... you are forever connected and willing to fight for her... that is beautiful...
becca

Jen said...

I so get what you are feeling. I think of you often and how you are doing. I check that FBI list to see if you have been "filled in". We are praying for you and little B.

Holly said...

I just can't imagine what the wait is like for you. I've always said the hardest part of the adoption wait is post referral until he/she/they come home... and yours is a doozy. I am praying for you guys and for your sweet girl waiting. May she stay healthy and be well taken care of until you can go get her. And may God bring you peace and outlets to deal with the stress that comes.

coffeemom said...

I get it. All of it. And I too, think that God has used this time of waiting and fighting for our girl to draw her closer in to my heart. He knows what I need...and how to get me there, even if I don't like the process.
I think, you DO need to write about this more. First, it's theraputic, I swear. Second, we need, others need, to hear it, read it. Letting others see our vulnerabilities and the hard is in it's own way such a gift as it shows us going through it that we are not alone, others feel like this and are taking one step forward as best as they can: leaning on each other. So, yeah, keep it. (ok, I'm just being selfish making this pitch: I want to read more posts from you guys!! greedy me)

You know you stay in my prayers, you and little B. And will. much lvoe, M

Kristy -Mom To 6 Blessings said...

Hi Guys! I'm praying for you all and sending lots of love your way.
I wish I had those perfect magical words of encouragement for you but I know that right now, this all stinks and you are hurting, rightfully so.......
Blessings,
Kristy

Johanna said...

You are very brave to be so open with your feelings, and I hope you realize how much you are helping others who are dealing with the same thoughts. My sister Paula is getting ready to come home with her twins in a few days, and she felt all of these things for months. I know how much it helped her to read about others in the same situation. God is good to compassionate people. I hope you get some positive news on your wait soon.

Sparkz said...

I never took my eyes off that list. sometimes I wish it didn't exist b/c it would make me crazy. praying for you!

Robin said...

Just sent you an email...but wanted to let you know publicly that I really feel your pain, and understand the jealousy completely. We waited so long, yet others continue to wait longer than we did. For whatever reason, I had to hold on to God's perfect plan. At first, I was angry and didn't want to hear it. Over time, God's peace surrounded me and I finally let go of the control I thought I needed to have. No, it's not fair that others get through court on their first try and others wait what seems like forever to bring their child(ren) home.

I totally agree with Michelle; we do need to talk about it openly on our blogs to let others know our pain. Transparency is so hard because it does leave us vulnerable....and when I start to complain about it, I think of what Jesus went through on the cross for us, and then my complaints seem so silly in comparison.

I'm still holding onto my previous post that suffering creates character, character, hope...and hope does not disappoint us. You are in my prayers......Robin

The Roberts Family said...

MUCH love you, dear sister. Praying for you .... He WILL see you through this journey ... keep sharing your heart through the process. It is a blessing to many. ~Shelly

Anonymous said...

Hello Sharon,

Wishing you all the best with your newest adoption attempt. All the kids are Beautiful. I miss you all a lot. Take care and know you are in my prayers. I wish I could help you with this process, it does sound so fatiguing and disappointing,when time for this little girl may be a real important issue.Hope she comes home real soon!
Love Aunt Mitze

Susan and Chad said...

It is so true - each journey is so individual, no two journeys can be compared, and yet, it is our nature to try to make sense of it, even when it is not possible. We will be watching and waiting with you as you journey ahead. Blessings!

Amanda said...

We are praying for you and your family. The waiting is the hardest.

Tracy said...

Wow. That was very well written, and I'm glad it was cathartic! It's encouraging to see how God has let your child grow in your heart through the wait.

J, A and T said...

With you.

Mary and Doug said...

This post just made me ache for you! Know that you are in my prayers.

Cat and Mark said...

Waiting blows. But it WILL end. That's what I keep telling myself. And we just have to stick together and hold each other up during that time. Call/email any time to vent - trust me, I've been there!